It's an iguana!, originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

What I'm Watching:

I finally saw the other half of the Grindhouse double feature - Quentin Tarantino's Deathproof. I had started watching it before, but after 15 minutes of yak yak yak yak yak I shut it off. Upon my brother's urging I made another attempt at watching it and only TiVo'd through about 15 more minutes (if you fast-forward through something on the first setting, you can speed-read the closed-captioning and still follow the story).

I understand why Tarantino wanted us to spend so much time with the characters because one of the fatal flaws of any stalker / slasher movie is the victims are usually not very sympathetic. In this case I think Tarantino went overboard in making sure we got to know the victims before Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell, how cool is that) starts terrorizing them. When the movie gets down to business, however, all I can say is HOLY SHIT.

Then comes the second act / set of victims: the movie has some of the best damn car chase / stuntwork since the 70's movies Tarantino was trying to emulate. Zoe Bell, a Kiwi stuntwoman (Uma Thurman's stunt double in the Kill Bill movies) who basically plays herself is a hoot. All the victims during the second half are really cool and fun, actually.

Tarantino also didn't kill in children so ultimately I think I like Deathproof more than Planet Terror and I intend to try to watch it again without any fast-forwarding when I work up the intestinal fortitude to do so.

The House on Haunted Hill: Not good - I was bored and it was Sunday. The movie was based on the old William Castle movie of the same name, and the only notable goodness here was Geoffry Rush's GREAT impersonation of Vincent Price, Jeffrey Combs (but not enough - what is a horror movie with Jeffrey Combs without some of his classic ascerbic comments?), and I was amused to discover that the original screenwriter was my childhood-favorite writer Robb White. It turns out he collaborated with William Castle on a lot of dreck. I was saddened to discover the only book of White's that is still in print is Deathwatch. He also amusingly wrote a book called Our Virgin Island - it turns out he and his wife lived in the British Virgin Islands back in the 30's and 40's. But that's neither here nor there in regards to the movie. The only other notably positive thing I can say about the movie is the black guy lives.

South Park: Is showing new episodes, hooray! The Britney Spears episode was disturbing and I was glad to note that I'm not the only person in the universe that feels bad for her. The 'Major Boobage' episode, Parker and Stone's tribute to Heavy Metal is hilarious. My favorite is still the World of Warcraft episode from a few seasons back.

I tried to do a write-up of a TV show meme I found but I lost interest. I realized something while trying to come up with 5 TV characters that I would (ahem) 'do': In all of my favorite T.V. shows I tend to like the women better (I'm not wired that way so it was a losing topic). I've mentioned before how much I love X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Battlestar Galactica. I love Scully, Buffy (and Willow and Anya), and Starbuck far more than I love any of the guys. I have 2 new T.V. shows I'm loving:The Sarah Connor Chronicles and Life. Of course Sarah is my fave, and on Life, I'm appreciating Dani far more than nutbag Charlie.

The only exception to currently running shows would be Lost, but in the case of this show, none of the characters really stand out as favorites. Kate, Jack, and Sawyer are all tools. I do love Sayid, Hurley, and Desmond, however. Oh, hey: to come full circle, Zoe Bell was on Lost for a few episodes but all she did was wrap a heavy chain around herself and leap overboard from a stranded freighter. What a waste, sheesh!

How to Annoy Me

bigshoes, originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

How to Annoy Me

I am usually a pretty calm person. But we had an incident at dinner last night that caused me to curse like a sailor and experience flashbacks to my childhood.

We had gone to Lowe's to buy some more supplies for my front yard project and got back home pretty late. We stopped by a Chinese restaraunt and got some take-out. While getting B's food in front of him I noticed Jon had taken NOTHING BUT MEAT from the Kung Pao chicken, meaning that what was left over was almost COMPLETELY VEGETABLES!

This incident is what caused my flashback. My sister would habitually pour herself a bowl of Lucky Charms, eat the marshmallows, then PUT THE CEREAL BACK IN THE BOX!

Don't you understand? The ratio of cereal to marshmallows was too high!

In Jon's defense, I had already gotten my plateful and had no plans to get more. He doesn't like vegetables unless they are cut small (that's one of his peeves), so I shouldn't really have cared. But don't you see, if he had simply taken a serving of Kung Pao chicken then shoved the veggies aside on the plate that would have been fine. But by simply taking chicken and leaving the rest the ratio of vegetables to meat was TOO HIGH!

Hot Dog by the Pond

Hot dog by the pond, originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

I love this photo. By the way, Brenden gets very shirty with me if I try to cut up his hot dogs. He eats the dog and then he'll eat the bun if he feels like it.

Hope every one had a chocalatey Easter. I hid a dozen plastic eggs filled with Sweetart jelly beans and Dove chocolate eggs while B slept. When he got up I decided not to prompt him but to see what he would do if he found them. The first two that he stumbled upon didn't have much impact other than delight him from the candy aspect. After he found the third one you could see something click in his face as he started deliberately searching everywhere. I wish it had been warmer outside because a sugar-fueled Brenden is a dangerous weapon when unleashed indoors.

We didn't go to the Easter egg hunt that we had gone to last year because I was extremely sore from yardwork I did on Saturday. Mostly it involved pulling up the horrid plastic edging, and digging trenches in preparation for laying brick edging to replace it. My hands were cramping so bad Saturday night I could barely open or close Brenden's sippy cups. What did I watch? Nothing of consequence. I watched some pre-season baseball and I must say I am happy to see Tom Glavine back in a Brave's uniform. So are a lot of Mets fans, I'll bet.

Lo Pan is not Pleased

Lo Pan is not pleased, originally uploaded by Mosd.

Yesterday was Don't be a Douchebag blog-a-thon day. The requirement was to write about something in the world of film that fills you with complete and total unbridled ****ing retarded JOY. Since I've blogged about good movies, bad movies, favorite actors, favorite characters, favorite character actors, imaginary boyfriends, flesh-eating zombies, and James Bond I think the fact that I'm totally retarded when it comes to movies is fairly obvious.

I am both equally proud and embarrassed by my taste in things.

Hey! My brother is blogging again (about damn time) so here's his new blog: The Check is in the Mail. He's a complete retard when it comes to movies too, so maybe he'll be blogging about them soon.

Fixed the link to bro's blog. Doh!

Pirate face: ARRR!

Pirate face: ARRR!, originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

What I'm Watching:

Resident Evil: Extinction Better than the second one but I'm not saying much. If you like Milla Jovovich you'll like this movie because there's a lot of her. Yes that's a pun but it's not what you think. Actually it is entertaining but I just can't think of much to say about it.

Grindhouse Presents:Planet Terror Robert Rodriguez has the perfect eye for shlock and I always love his movies that tend towards horror (From Dusk Till Dawn and The Faculty). Unfortunately I can't unreservedly recommend this movie because of the death of a child (note to filmmakers: just pretend kids don't exist in horror milieus). Other than that awful misstep all I can say is ZOMG is this movie insane. It's kind of a flesh-eating zombie movie although those affected by the disease aren't really zombies. Those afflicted look pustule-covered super-nasty and when hit with bullets or cars they explode redly. Actually those who weren't afflicted exploded real good too. I can't properly describe the plot (not that it's important) but it's as outrageous as the special effects. I was impressed by the cast: Rose McGowan, Bruce Willis, Naveen Andrews (as a testicle-collecting sleazebag chemical engineer REALLY!), Jeff Fahey and Micheal Biehn (as brothers! Brilliant!), and Tom Savini (who sadly does more acting than makeup effects nowadays).

One bonus: before the proper movie starts we see a preview for a sadly non-existent film called Machete with Danny Trujillo. It's a blaxploitation movie except with Mexicans. Mr. Rodriguez: I would pay good money to see it for real!

Life Okay, I'm hooked. I was wrong about the entire mystery surrounding Crews' incarceration being solved. He only discovered who had done the actual murders he was framed for. He hasn't found the actual framers although he has some ideas. I like how he literally threw the Zen shit out the window when he went in persuit of the killer (unfortunately he retrieved it at the end of the ep). He slipped out of his cheerfull oddball demeanor as he tracked the bad guy down and I finally got a feel for Charlie the ex-con. Also unfortunately the writers tend to put anvils in their script (one character says Charlie went into prison innocent but didn't leave innocent which left me thinking no shit, Sherlock). TV writers are even worse than movie writers in underestimating the intelligence of their audience. Still, I'm looking forward to a full season of anvils, exasperated partners, and redheaded goodness in the Fall.

American Idol Yeah, I have to make some comments. Is Ryan Seacrest doing metamphetamines? I expect him and Simon Cowell to trade punches sometime within the next few episodes. Actually I'd enjoy that. As for the singers I don't really care. I like Jason Castro but has anyone but me noticed he looks like a Paul Ruebens with dreadlocks? Seriously.

A Trip to the Zoo

Meerkat, originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

We spent this last weekend in Nashville. Jon was going to the Baker's School of Aeronautics to take his pilot's instrument rating written exam, and he thought we all ought to go. I dug up some info on things to to in that section of town so Brenden and I could keep busy while Jon was in class.

We drove up early Saturday, and I was happy to note the trip up to Nashville is not too bad a drive. We were in the outskirts in just under 2 hours. We stopped at Shoney's and had the breakfast bar (and did that bring back memories of college) then dropped Jon off. First I found a mega- Walmart and B and I did some leisurely shopping (diapers and socks for B, cough meds for Jon, and of course a toy that B chose). We went to the Nashville Railroad museum afterwards and I was disappointed. Go to the one in Chattanooga, it's awesome. B didn't care, he loved it but was upset he couldn't climb on the train cars parked nearby. Still, he was good to me all day.

The only sore part of the trip (and I do mean physically sore - I am so out of shape since the operation) came when I was pulling away from the museum and realized the tire was flat. I changed it and that was that but it was irritating. I had to leave B strapped in his seat and he couldn't see me all the time so he cried. I felt bad about that.

By that time it was mid-day so B and I went to MacDonald's for lunch. I decided we'd check into the hotel early and B and I had a nice long nap. Since B had fallen asleep in the car he woke up in the hotel room not knowing where he was and he freaked out a little until he realized I was there with him. We watched Scooby-Doo until it was time to pick up Jon. We ate at a Chinese Buffet then went back to the hotel room. B was rambunctious while Jon was trying to study;I wish we had spent a little more on a hotel with an indoor pool but then again he wasn't that bad.

Sunday was much better. After dropping off Jon B and I went to the Nashville Zoo at Grassmere. It wouldn't open for a few hours so I hunted down a MacDonald's with a children's play area and we successfully killed time there first. B plays with anyone who will play with him so he enjoyed himself immensely.

The zoo was fun and I took many pictures, including the nifty Meerkat in the pic above. I wish I were creatively funny; this pic is just begging for a lolcat caption. But anyway it was cold so not all of the animals were out. We didn't get to see the elephants and giraffes, but we saw all kinds of wild kitties, monkeys, birds and pigs. Brenden had the most fun in the indoor exhibition of turtles, iguanas, snakes, bats, and insects. He just went nuts at those exhibits.

By the time Jon texted me to pick him up it was early afternoon and B was getting punchy. He lasted 2 minutes in the van and then fell dead asleep and he didn't wake up until we were about 10 minutes away from the house. We had a fun trip and Brenden was mostly well-behaved (for Brenden).

I so ignored the news I didn't know about the Tornadoes hitting Atlanta until later Sunday. I was glad to see Helly and Alan reporting in unscathed; I hope everyone else is ok, as well.

An amazingly long post about Television:

Hypno Bob, originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

I think I've mentioned this before: I was a fan of Wiseguy, one of the first series to have story arcs. I remember the producers of the show met with resistance on that format because the Network was afraid new viewers wouldn't watch if they didn't know what was going on. Wiseguy's story arcs would be 6-12 episodes followed by 2 or 3 standalones. The show fizzled out after 2 or 3 seasons but I don't think it was the format (yes, I'm looking at you, Ken Wahl!).

The X-Files blew that door off the hinges, as did Buffy the Vampire Slayer and now just about every show has an arc of some sort and all I can say is HALLELUJAH! I grew up watching T.V. in the 70's where all characters were static from episode to episode. They didn't have much backstory nor did they grow; they never had indelible marks on their psyches when their love got blowed up or shot (like the amnesia plot, and the evil twin plot, the death of a loved one plot is in the Plot-o-matic Rolodex {I guess it's been ported to software by now}).

I told you that to tell you this:

I have always had a love-hate relationship with Television: it can accomplish so much more in a series than a movie could ever dream of - for instance Terminator II used the phrase "Judgement Day" but you never had enough time when the action started to think about the ramifications of that phrase. In the new series you start seeing all the religious parallels especially as people who are pulled into the Connors' story start believing in cyborgs from the future - I know the bible didn't mention a Robot Holocaust in Revelations, but it'll do, won't it?

The hate part is that television so rarely does accomplish more and usually simply sucks eggs. Every once in a while you get lucky though. I pointed out to someone recently that when I give my love to a show it can be embarrasingly unconditional. I ran out of SCC episodes to watch last weekend and so I finally watched 2 more episodes of Life I had tucked away on my TiVo (bear with me, this is all connected).

Despite the show starring Damian Lewis, I managed to miss most of the first-run episodes for a really dumb reason. They weren't closed-captioned, and with a raging 2 year-old in the house, I might as well be hearing-impaired. I also have to admit I wasn't that impressed. Now I'm kinda sorry I didn't watch the whole first season (11 eps) - the writers have toned down Charlie's quirkiness and I've come to like both main characters. All I can say is thank goodness for TiVo and Amazon UnBoxed: I'll be able to finish out the series before season 2 starts this fall (hooray for NBC!).

Most people are comparing this show to House but I'm still sticking to my Veronica Mars theorem, even more now because I found out the mystery of who set up Charlie for the multiple murders is discovered by the end of Season 1. I loved the Veronica Mars format of one major mystery per season intersped with the "case of the week". I think it nicely balanced the need for a week-to-week connection with the characters versus standalone episodes to draw new viewers in.

Life is on one level a standard cop show. Lewis's character, Charlie Crews, is your basic Brilliant Detective, but in the few episodes I've seen, I like that he tends to ferret out clues to the mystery-of-the-week through sheer bulldoggedness as opposed to making Batman vs. the Riddler quantum-leap connections between two ephemerally related crime-scene objects (although sometimes Crews does that too). But I'm starting to like the character, who, after 12 years in the slammer, is a little off. Kind of the way a cat would be off if you locked it in a room for 4 weeks with about 100 alarm clocks that were set to randomly blare every day.

His partner, Dani Reese (hey I don't make these names up - I just report them), has a fine set of drug and alcohol related problems herself but spends most of the time playing put-upon straight-man to Charlies antics and the rest of the time keeping him anchored when he gets out of control. I'm liking her, too. She's starting to be more well-rounded than a lot of female characters who are not the center of a show (if they make the show more central to both Crews and Reese in season 2 I think it will be a major improvement).

Look, I'd be lying if I said that I don't find Damian Lewis to be amazingly attractive and that's the major reason I'm giving the show another try. I haven't given it my unconditional love yet, I have 4 more episodes to go in this season, but I want to. We'll see how it turns out. In the meantime, Lewis's hair is even more awesomly red in high-def. I'm just saying.

One more PS: have you noticed I'm watching more T.V.? It's because most of the movies I want to watch are too violent for Brenden. I need to watch SOMETHING! I will gladly take any suggestions for t.v. series to watch.

Find the raisin in the picture

raisinboy, originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

Hey, I got tagged, and I have a short middle name: Linn.

L is for 'Lazy': If I had a million dollars, like Peter from Office Space, my fondest wish would be to do NOTHING. Actually I'd need about 7 million bucks - some to tuck away into investments and then a couple of million to buy some beach front property on a certain Caribbean island. Then I would DRINK BEER and DRAW FLIES for the rest of my life.

I is for 'Independent': I hate relying on other people. This gets me into trouble more than I would have thought.

N is for 'Nearsighted': No longer in the myopic sense thanks to surgery, but still in the spiritual sense. I can't see 3 days in front of me unless I really try. The fact that Jon and I have managed to put away almost 20K in an emergency fund is a damned miracle.

N is for 'Nerd': I'm a software developer. My favorite TV show is Battlestar Galactica. I can quote all of Hudson's lines from Aliens. My wardrobe is 75% tee-shirts and blue jeans with the other 25% being things I never wear. I started a flame-war almost 15 years ago about a minor character on the X-Files (I wasn't deliberately being a troll, though). My nerd creds are impeccable.

I tag no one, for they have all been tagged.

What I'm watching:

The In-Laws: I watched the version with Alan Arkin and Peter Falk (1979), not the one with Michael Douglas and Albert Brooks (2003). I have fond memories of a triumvirate of comedies from the late 70's / early 80's and this movie is the second one I've watched recently. The first was "S.O.B." which didn't hold up as well and the third is "Hopscotch" which I haven't watched yet but is in the queue. I can't compare the old version to the remake, but Roger Ebert's review was enough to convince me I haven't missed anything (no sock puppet?!!? WTF?).

The movie still works because Peter Falk's earnest nutbag CIA agent plays so well off of Alan Arkin's put-upon dentist. Can anyone do put-upon as well as Arkin can? I don't think so. The wierder things get the funnier his expression is. For instance, there's one scene where he's in a small jet and is listening to safety instructions in Chinese (James 'Lo Pan' Hong, always fun). The Chinese instructions are funny, but Arkin's thousand-yard WTF stare is what makes you laugh. And if anyone ever yelled "Serpentine! Serpentine!!" at you, this is where it originated.

Turtle Butts

Turtle Butts, originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

What I'm Watching / Reading:

Because of my downtime from this frakkin cold, I was finally able to peruse Jane Epsenson's blog. Ms. Espenson is a T.V. writer who is most well-known for writing for Joss Whedon's shows (Buffy, Angel, Firefly). Among the current shows, she writes for Battlestar Galactica so you can understand why I was delighted to discover her blog. It covers two topics: 1) writing for television, especially how to go about doing so, and 2) what she had for lunch (mercifully one or two sentences an entry). I especially enjoy it when she talks about "clams" (over-used jokes) and "pipe" (exposition). I've become insanely aware of exposition in stories and "laying pipe" is a perfect term for that process.

Shoot Em Up: This movie is in the same category as Snakes on a Plane in the sense of there's truth in its advertising: it has a lot of people being shot up, just like Snakes on a Plane had snakes on a plane. Clive Owen plays the same kind of straight-faced badass nobody he played in the vastly superior Sin City but he gets to keep his accent somewhat. What made me die laughing about this movie is it has an anti-gun message. Seriously, at the end of the movie we get sermons about the evils of private gun ownership. I haven't seen a dead body count this high in a movie since maybe Commando, or a John Woo Hong Kong gangster epic! I felt like I was watching some serious hardcore porn when all of a sudden right in the middle of some gang-banging action (in the old-fashioned sense of gangbang) the fornicating actors all of a sudden start preaching about how important abstinence is. Worth a watch if you like Clive Owen or Paul Giamatti, or are just super-seriously bored.

Boogie Nights: Speaking of porn - I have a tough time believing that this movie is already 10 years old. This movie brought director Paul Thomas Anderson to my attention. It's an epic about the rise and fall of a porn star during the late 70's - early 80's with an amazing cast: Marky Mark, Burt Reynolds, Heather Graham, Julianne Moore, William H. Macy, and a boatload more of "hey, it's that guy!" actors (Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Don Cheadle, Luiz Guzman, Alfred Molina). I caught it on the Independent Film Channel and it's like the 3rd time I've watched it. I don't know what fascinates me about this movie - it's about a bunch of stupid porn people (and I do mean not very bright), but they are a tight-knit circle of friends/family and I end up feeling some sympathy for them. Oh, hey! Thomas Jane's in it too. His hair is almost as amusing as Ben Affleck's was in Dazed and Confused, another remarkable movie about the 70's. Highly recommended.

The Independent Film Channel showed a Paul W.S. Anderson movie just after that one: Shopping, a horrifically bad, bad movie with Jude Law and Sadie Frost (I should make a joke about how the movie ends up as messy as their marriage did, but that would be wrong). I hope the programmers were just having fun and didn't confuse Paul "Magnolia" Anderson with Paul "Resident Evil" Anderson.

Meet the Robinsons: We're watching more kid-friendly movies (not that you could tell). This computer-animated cartoon is a misfire: it was too chaotic with uninteresting and cliche characters. I think this movie is the one that convinced Disney to leave the cartoons to Pixar.

Lost Dear producers: we do not need any more episodes displaying just what how perverted, pathetic, and psychotic Ben is. We get it. Kill him. Kill him now.

Judgement Day

Terminator, originally uploaded by avalokist.

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts
And I looked and behold, a pale horse
And it's name it said on him was Death
And Hell followed with him.

Okay now. How in the hell could I enjoy a T.V. show any more than one that features Terminators? Have the climax of the season-ender feature F.B.I agents raining down on a motel pool to the tune of Johnny Cash's "Man Comes Around". Good stuff! And will Fox, the network that killed Firefly before it got a chance, renew? I'm not holding my breath.

Smile

smile, originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

I believe the sinus infection has left but my allergies are raging. I quit getting shot\taking drugs for allergies when I was diagnosed with cancer for no other reason than apathy. Now that I know my tits aren't going to kill me (yet) I'm going to reboot my allergy treatment program starting tomorrow with a doctor's appointment.

Letter to Brenden Month 33:

Brenden, you are asserting your independence. When I say independence, I mean you are refusing to do anything we ask you to do. If this letter doesn't sound as light-hearted as normal, it's because this last weekend we were leaving the grocery store, and on the way to the van you decided to run from me and dart between two parked cars. I told you to stop and come back to me, and you got THAT LOOK on your face. I dropped the groceries and took off when you did, but you got about a foot past the other side of the parked cars before I grabbed your collar. You skidded on the asphalt and you started crying, I started crying, my hair greyed a little bit more and I had a myocardial infarction. What if a car had been coming? What if the driver was an asshole who likes to go 35 mph in a parking lot?

Being a parent sometimes is a never-ending series of what-if nightmares. The rest of the time you get to sit there and think about how inadequate, ill-equipped and uneducated you are. I hope I have some fun things to talk about next month, B.