Cold's over. I guess that means I'll have to go to the gym this week.

Maybe I'm just too much of a wallflower/nerd/stick-in-the-mud/geek whatever, but what in the Hell is the attraction of 'clubbing'? I understand a good deal of people who go are looking for someone to sleep with; but surely there's an easier way of picking up a partner than going to a loud, smoky, smelly place full of drunk people and crappy music?

I was dragged along to this club this last Saturday night. It had the wonderful name of - I shit you not - "Spank Daddy's". The only thing good I can say about it is the cover band was competent and did not play so loud that my ears bled. I guess if you are into people watching it's fun.

If I ever get a divorce, it will be because I hate dancing and my husband loves it. He's always trying to get me out on the dance floor and tells me there's nothing to be self-concious about. Well I'm a terrible dancer, and I have to concentrate so hard to keep any kind of rhythym I find the whole thing embarrasing. He keeps telling me that nobody's looking at me, but if that's so then why do he and his friends spend a great deal of time at the club pointing out how ugly people are/ what terrible dancers they are?

Okay, enough about my marital troubles. I will get to my top 10 women characters in movies in a bit; I'm still doing some research. In the meantime:

Sometimes movies at the bottom of the cinematic bell curve can be just as enjoyable as those near the top. I have some favorites - all of them marked by the fact that I have seen each of them more than twice (much to my embarrassment).

Top 10 favorite bad movies:

10)Shocker

What bugs me about this movie is that it starts out pretty good. A young Peter Berg realizes he has a psychic connection with a mass murderer who likes to kill whole families. One of his targets ends up being Berg's adopted family. He and his father are the only ones who survive. There are some questions about whether or not young Pete is the killer. Up to this point I found it compelling in a schlocky, teen-age way (like I found the Faculty). But then they catch the killer and things get really, really stupid. Still, I have a soft spot in my brain for this movie. And I was three seasons into the X-Files before I realized the bad guy was played by Mitch Pileggi.

9)Resident Evil

A movie based on a video game. Very much vaguely a poor Aliens clone substituting slow moving shuffling zombies for aliens. No plot to speak of and it's not even gory by flesh-eating zombie movie standards. Yet,... I like it. So sue me. Jason Isaacs' blue, blue eyes make a cameo appearance.

8)Wild Rebels

I saw this movie through the old Comedy Central show, Mystery Science Theater 3000, a show built around godawful movies. This movie is about a race car driver who is recruited by the police to infiltrate a gang of bank robbers. Sample dialog: "I'm in it for the kicks, baby!"

7)Godzilla Vs. the Smog Monster

Japanese hippies. *Heh!*

6)Commando

This is the nadir of Arnold Schwarzenneger's career (if you exclude 'Hercules goes Bananas'). Yet, it is the epitome of 80's mindless action movies. Bad dialog, ridiculous action, horrible continuity just add to the fun. Try and keep a bad guy death count for even more amusement.

5)Universal Soldier

This big-budgeted movie has the heart of a low-budget, direct-to-video, really stupid action movie. Starring two wooden planks, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren. They play re-animated Vietnam war vets. Really. I don't know why it has any appeal to me but it does. Oh, sure, Van Damme is fun to look at, but there needs to be something more. See 'Commando' for other excuses.

4)Armageddon

Oh, God this movie sucks! Mindless, bombastic, and riddled with egregious scientific errors. Featuring a phoned-in performance by Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck's teeth, which he got capped specifically for this role. But hey, it also has Steve Buschemi, Owen Wilson, and the underappreciated William Fichtner. And Jason Isaacs.I highly recommend buying the Criterion Edition of this movie because of the commentary tracks: a) The directors track, just to hear Michael Bay speak. He is a self-important prick. b) The actor's track, especially Ben Affleck. His comments are hilarious and he has no illusions about what type of movie he's in.

3)Dreamcatcher

A blonde and a redhead are trapped in a cabin in the forest battling space aliens. How can I resist if said hotties are Thomas Jane and Damien Lewis? And throw in brunette Jason Lee, though he's taken out too early. This movie is loopy and you'd think Lawrence Kasdan would know better. Still, if you have ever been possessed by the urge to hear Thomas Jane belt out the Mighty Mouse theme here's your chance.

2)Pieces

This is a Spanish horror movie that came out in the 70's. It was Christopher George's last film and I can only suspect he died of shame. Psycho killer stalks nubile young college girls. Entertainment level is elevated by such scenes as: one proto-victim runs into an elevator somewhere in said college (she is clad only in a bikini). Psycho killer stops door from closing and gets in. The killer is wearing an overcoat, a scarf, and a hat pulled low and has a chainsaw hidden behind his back. The victim's response? "Oh. It's you." Rent it, if you can find it, to see the best damn non-sequitur ending ever committed to celluloid.

1)The Swarm

I was raised on 70's disaster films. I have soft spots in my brains for all of them: Earthquake, the Towering Inferno, all the Airport movies, and this one. Bees! Bees! Millions of Bees!! For ultra-pain, find the extended version.

Everyone involved in this classic was on heavy drugs, even Micheal Caine. Sharing in the shame are Henry Fonda, Richard Chamberlain, Miguel Ferrer, Patty Duke, Fred MacMurray(!), Olivia De Havilland (!!) and Slim Pickens (!!!).