Jon mentioned that I ought to call the kid something while I'm writing about him. So I shall name him.... Mini-Jon.

Speaking of, here is what I hope my child inherits:

1)Jon's personality. The ebullient portions, at least.
2)Jon's extroversion.
3)Jon's ability to understand mechanical objects (not that I can't. He is just a lot faster than I).
4)Jon's health. I have *never* seen Jon sick.
5)Jon's looks.
6)Jon's abilities to sing and dance.
7)MY patience.
8)My love of books.
9)My love of cooking.
10)My love of movies, good, bad, and wierd.

Since I'm at home all week I don't really have an excuse for not posting. Just know I'm sitting here in my jammies sipping coffee.

I have just finished submitting my latest review. Links to follow.

In other what-I'm-watching news, Jon and I watched Collateral, a movie about a hitman (Tom Cruise) who hires a decent but underachieving taxi driver (Jamie Foxx) to drive him around town one night. Unfortunately for the driver he doesn't realize he's driving this psycho from hit to hit. I enjoyed it and it was nice to see Cruise play against type. Jamie Foxx did a great job at portraying an ordinairy joe who finds himself in a truly difficult circumstance. I was surprised to see that Michael Mann directed this movie. He tends to be all style and no substance but for the most part he let the story drive the movie for him.

We also watched Confessions of a Dangerous Mind which is Chuck Barris's somewhat psychotic biography. Chuck Barris was the creator of such shows as The Newlywed Game, The Dating Game, and the immortal Gong Show, which he also hosted. He was also, according to this movie, an assassin for the CIA. Yeah, okay. This movie was nowhere near as good as it could have been, predominantly because Barris is an immensely unlikable character. Sam Rockwell does a dead-on impression of this schmuck.

I watched an episode of a British TV series, "A Touch of Frost". Frost is a police detective; an older gentleman who is not well educated and very old school. The episode I watched, "Deep Waters", was so-so and not enough to make me watch this show again although I liked the Character of Frost. So why did I watch it? Damian Lewis in Speedos, enough said.

Okay, not enough said. It's been a while since I've droned on about my favorite redhead so feel free to bail now. The episode was about 90 minutes long and I was getting annoyed at about the 60 minute mark because he had been in the show for a grand total of 30 seconds. My patience was rewarded by a semi-lenghthy questioning session by Frost where Lewis gets to wear nothing but said Speedos. He's as pale as any redhead, and he has about 210 ribs. He defines lanky. He was being questioned about a college murder; later on Frost tails him one night and we finally see him completely dried off and I must say back then he had wonderfully long hair (this episode was shot in 1996, the year after I saw him in "Hamlet"). I think he looks better now. He's definitely a much better actor now. Still, it was worth it to me to rent. There's been such a Damian Drought I'm seriously contemplating watching Dreamcatcher again.

Okay, you can come back now. I won't spoil 24 for Nancy's sake, all I will say is certain plot lines were resolved and season 3 is better than season 2. Season 1 is still the best; I have good hopes for season 4 and I hope the producers will eventually realize that they can have a great story and not involve the end of the world each time (I loved how in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel they both saved the world so many times they and their companions became completely blase about it).

Week 17

Hey! This means I'm entering Month 5. I'll be halfway there in about 3 weeks. I'm doing ok; my athsma is still aggravating and I'm getting plumper by the minute. In an odd way I'm proud of my expanding girth. I can't explain why but I look in the mirror and I think it's impressive.

I should be getting the amnio results either late this week or early next week. I have my monthly checkup January 3rd so that would be a nice coincidence if I could get the results then. Speaking of the amnio: since I got poked a week ago I'm going to assume I'm not going to have a miscarriage because of said poking. More bullets dodged.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Ours was fine; I got some new pots and pans (I wanted them), Return of the King Extended Edition on DVD, and some jammies. If I had known how comfortable jammies were I would have bought some for myself a long time ago. No Spider-man jammies, though.

It was great having Jon at home even though he got a bit bored. He's just one of those people who needs to be doing something every moment. I bought him one of those game controllers that has a bunch of old games in it, like Super Mario Brothers, Galaga, Pac-man, Arkanoid, etc. He's been enjoying it.

I cooked a big dinner: a veggie platter (Jon's not big on cooked vegetables; come to think of it neither am I), ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy. Mmmmmm. Moose Tracks ice cream for dessert. Hey, did you know Campbell's makes a tasty gravy? Some would say blasphemy but I say if it tastes good don't worry about it coming out of a can. And the stuffing was Stove Top! Nyah nyah nyah! I do one thing with the stuffing mix; I dice about a half a cup of onions and celery each and saute them in a little olive oil and add that. Gives it a nicer flavor and a good crunch.

I have this entire week off for Christmas break at work. Woo-hoo! I intend to take it easy and bore myself silly. It will be the last time in a long time I'll be able to do this so this week is all about me!

Okay, I realize it's all about me all the time anyway. Bite me.

Adventures in Baby Birthing:

When I was called up for active duty, I was shipped off to Fort Riley, Kansas. I worked at the labor & delivery unit of the Irwin Army hospital. As a medical specialist, I was somewhere between a half-assed EMT and a beefed-up candy striper. Basically when a woman came in I got to hook her up to a machine that recorded the baby's heartbeats and I got to start IV's.

Now that was a lot of fun. First off, the gauge of the needle was honkin'. Second, nothing is as dehydrated AND swollen from fluids as a pregnant woman. YOU start an IV under those circumstances. I got pretty good at it, I'd like to add.

Occasionally I'd have to insert a catheter. But predominantly I was there to assist the RN's and whenever they showed up, the doctors. I saw many babies born, all with no pain medication whatsoever. Is child birthing magical? Sure, in the same way that volcanic eruptions are magical. Or like when rain starts falling up during a tornado is magical.

I'm not going to tell a lot of anecdotes. All I learned is:

1) If the doctor recommends caesarian, I'm not going to fight him. I'll probably give him a hug and a box of chocolates. Don't give me that crap about not feeling like a woman if I don't deliver 'naturally'! I will personally jam a watermelon up someone's convenient body orfice if he or she starts that with me.

2) If I deliver vaginally, I will take whatever pain medications I can. Hell, start me on the demerol now! I'm a wuss, I admit it. How the HELL did this planet end up with over 6 billion people on it?

3) My husband can be with me, but I don't want him to see what actually happens because I would actually like to have a physical relationship with him again after I recover. *I* don't want to see what's going on. No mirrors.

4) No damn cameras or video recorders will be allowed. If I had my way, the instant I go into labor the child would be teleported from my uterus into the doctor's waiting hands. I'll probably blog the experiences, but I really don't want them recorded for posterity. It might be good for blackmail should I need to coerce the kid into cleaning his room, but I've heard cattle prods are just as effective.

5) Placentas are icky. So is meconium and vernix. Jon can cut the cord but I hope he spends the rest of my time in the delivery room being distracted by our red, wrinkly, bundle o' joy.

6) The kid gets to stay in the nursery so I can get some rest. I'm sure he'll play hell with our sleeping patterns soon enough.

7) I don't want an episiostomy, on the other hand I don't want to tear. I'm doing all the recommended exercises faithfully. An epesiostomy, by the way, is deliberately cutting the perineum (that's the part that's between the hoo-hoo dilly and the bunghole; sorry I was getting tired of all these medical terms) so it won't tear.

I didn't completely understand, but a woman called me from UAB's genetics clinic with good news: one of the preliminary tests they did was for Down's Syndrome, and it was negative (98% accuracy). Great! I'll feel much better though when I hear the full report.

The Name Game has started, and Jon was browsing earlier this morning and came up with a few he liked. Here are the A - D contenders:

Alden (Middle, Old English) (antique, old, wise protector, old friend) Alden's kind of nice. Not sure what his nickname would be for this one. Maybe I'll be cruel and refer to him as "Mugwump", which was my dad's nickname for me.

Alder (Middle, Old English) (birch tree, revered one) Nah.

Anakin (American) (Warrior) Our kid would axe-murder us.

Archer (Teutonic) (the archer) I like, but we have a friend whose son is named Archer. *Heh*. Hey Alan should name his kid Archer.

Arron I like Aaron. I'm not big on common names spelled differently. It just makes it a pain in the butt when you're trying to get a driver's license. My middle name is "Linn" and I'm tired of people spelling it with a y.

Austin or Auston I like Austin, though the "yeah, baby yeah!" jokes will get old.

Ashton I told Jon that a popular actor's name was Ashton so it's not a good idea. On the other hand, his nickname would be Ash, and I think that's a groovy name! Email me if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Brent (Old English) (fiery hill, steep hill) Meh.

Jonathan Yep, I like this one. Jonathan Edward Maynard. Like it a lot.

Connor (Celtic/Gaelic) (Much wanted) I like Connor, but it reminds me a lot of Angel's twerpy son. How about Spike?

Cullen (Celtic) (young animal, handsome) Meh.

Dalton (Old English) (valley farm) Double Meh.

Darwin (Old English) (beloved friend) Too much association with the Theory of Evolution. He'd never hear the end of the Darwinism jokes.

Dashiell (French) (Page Boy) Jon mentioned this one after seeing The Incredibles. I am all for naming our kid after a Pixar character. "Dash" is an amusing nickname, anyway. How about "Nemo"? "Buzz"? or "Woody"? Okay, maybe not the last one.

Allrighty then, here's a full write-up about yesterday:

The amniocentesis was done at the University of Alabama at Birmingham's Hugh Kaul Human Genetics Building. We arrived at the genetics clinic filled out a bunch of paperwork and watched a 15 minute video on the procedure - first we watched about 2 minutes in Spanish; the receptionist had forgotten to switch the tapes out. Then we met with a genetic counselor who told me 2 things that stuck out: one, the chances for having a baby with Down's Syndrome was strictly based on age and no other factors apply. In other words, my chances are a crapshoot. Or in geek terms, I see the big Dungeon Master of Life consulting his tables, then telling me to get out the percentile dice and roll above a 28. That scared me. The second thing she told me was the percent chance of me having a miscarriage due to the procedure was 1 in 400 - mainly because their staff was so experienced. That made me feel better.

Then a nice little old lady with an indistinguishable foreign accent put me on an exam table, poured warm goo on my belly, and started the ultrasound. She was pointing out arms, legs, etc. I'm still impressed she could tell which fuzzy dots were kidneys and such. The heart was the most distinguishable organ; when she paused the picture it looked like a fuzzy 4-leaf clover. She tried to get a peek at the sex but at the time the umbilical cord was between the kid's legs.

Then the doc came in and took over. He took some more measurements and looked around, then asked me if I wanted to know what the sex was. He fiddled around a bit until the kid's scrotum became obvious in the picture. Then they cleaned off my belly, swabbed it down with betadine, put some sterile goop on it, and then he hunted around by ultrasound for the best needle placement. I stared at the ceiling, both arms over my head, clutching one of Jon's hands with both of my own.

The doc chose a spot about an inch above my pubic hair line and then ouchie ouchie ouchie that needle kept going forever it felt like. Then he drew off 4 or 5 small tubes of amniotic fluid. I tried to keep still - I didn't want to flinch and make the doctor accidentally poke the kid's eye out.

Jon got a good look at the tubes and he remarked that it looked like urine. One of the assisting nurses explained that that's what it essentially is - except it's baby's piss and it's far more sterile than normal piss.

So then they cleaned me up, had me roll over on my side, and because my blood type is O negative, the nurse gave me a RhoGam shot in the butt. This shot essentially keeps me from rejecting my kid should he be positive and do a little bleeding. Jon's type is A positive so there's a good chance the kid's blood type is positive as well.

Once I got dressed, the nurse took some blood from my arm. I had my fill of needles yesterday.

But like I said, the doc said everything looked normal. That kid was also moving, kicking up a storm; he even hiccuped while we watched. I can't feel him move yet but he was dancing around yesterday.

After the appointment Jon and I met up with a friend who works at UAB and ate at a Thai place. Mmmmm! Made up for having my belly poked.

Speaking of, I'm feeling just a little sore. No cramping or anything; it just feels like a little of the soreness you might feel a day after doing sit-ups for the first time in a while.

Now all I can do is wait. I suspect my obgyn will get the results in 2 weeks.

My subconcious is naturally being mean-spirited. It granted my request last night in a manner. I ended up at a sushi restaurant arguing manners with Jackie Chan. Now if you were going to have a dream with Jackie Chan in it, wouldn't you expect him to kick a little ass? Nope, he didn't even kick any flesh-eating zombie ass.

Well, the amniocentesis is done. All I'd like to say is YEARGH!!!!!!

Which is about what you'd expect from having a needle poked into your belly. Anyways, it was way kewl seeing how developed the kid has gotten: hands, feet, nose, mouth, nutsack...

Yep. It's a boy!

The ultrasound, by the way, showed that everything looks completely normal. The amnio results will be in in about a week to 10 days. Jon and I have begun preliminary arguments on what his name will be.

Week 16

Today is big needle day. I haven't gone yet; Jon and I will be leaving for Birmingham in under 2 hours. I'll fill you in on that fun and games when it's all over.

As for how I'm feeling: Damn, that's a big fat ass! I'm starting to resemble one of those fertility idols. Except I have a face. I'm afraid to tape measure my butt because it has grown exponentially. My belly I can forgive, and bigger boobs is never a problem but holy mackarel you could park a truck under the shadow of my ass.

In other non-news: We're finally watching season 3 of 24. Bauer must have brain damage. He gets conked on the head and tied up more than the Hardy Boys ever did in all 104 of their books put together. I loved those books when I was a kid.

One more note:

Dear Subconcious:

I realize I'm a mass of free-floating fears, but the dreams you are sending me are not subtle and very boring. If I have one more night of dreams of Jon leaving or ignoring me, or of me having a miscarriage, or having trouble at work, I'm simply gonna yawn myself to death! How about a little symbolism to play with? Hell, I'd even take some of those stupid "freefalling and the parachute doesn't work" nightmares. When all is said and done, I'd much rather hunt zombies with Damian Lewis. Poop. At this point it could be Daniel Day-Lewis for all I care. Or even Jerry Lewis. Thank you.

-Sandy

Lachelle sent me the a funny link after my Mystery Science Theater 3000 post. It's a Jack Chick tract that has been MSTified.

For those who have never stumbled onto a Jack Chick tract, these are not very well illustrated comics with Christian themes. Normally I have absolutely no problems with the little tracts left around, telling people that Jesus loves you and wants you to be saved, but some of his are screamingly anti-Catholic and Muslim. And the MSTied tract above is my hands-down favorite tract ever!

My previous favorite tract was about a black gangster (no, not gangsta, this was published before that scene) called "Soul Brother" (I think). It was written by someone whose familiarity with African-American culture began and ended with 70's blaxploitation movies. But "Dark Dungeons" is about an evil Dungeon Master who tricks one of her players into becoming a *real* *witch* who casts *real* *spells*.

I was the only female Dungeon Master (I prefer the term Game Operations Director, myself) ever (apparently), and I don't recall encouraging any of my players (none who were ever female) into casting real spells. Not only does this tract rumble about how evil role-playing games are, it has a not-so-subtle subtext about how evil and weak women are. WOMEN DON'T PLAY D&D JACK! Except me. Muahahahahaha!!!

And I sold my lead miniatures to pay for my first parachute.

Anyways, in other news, I keep having these unreality flashes; I keep thinking I'm not pregnant, the baby got reabsorbed or something and now I'm just really fat. But I am exhibiting other symptoms, like my skin is all itchy and I'm breaking out pretty bad (Ick!). I'm also experiencing wierd and vivid dreams.

The one I had last night was a doozy, and almost enjoyable. First off, naturally it had flesh-eating zombies in it. I was holed up with a bunch of people who kept getting picked off as they went out to forage for supplies. Finally it was me and 3 other women left. It started to get real cold (shades of what really happened last night) and the zombies were turning into corpsicles. So we finally left our refuge to find warm clothes and food, and we run into a live man who looked startlingly like Damian Lewis. It wasn't *him*, though. His name was Pete, and he reminded me (when I woke up) of what Damian looked like in Dreamcatcher (must have been the winter clothes). How cool; I meet up with Damian Lewis in a dream and we shoot zombies together. Then I woke up.

Week 15

Below is something I tried to post Friday:

According to this little software countdown timer on my desk, I have exactly 180 days and 22 hours away from giving birth. Hooray!

The Singulair has done wonders for me.

I also have nothing to say.

Oh! I wanted to say congratulations to my brother and his wife-to-be Jenn. Yes, that's right; he popped the question. They are getting hitched late in May.

For your reading amusement, here's a link to a Christmas special that no one wants to believe exists: The Star Wars Holiday Special and a link to my latest review: The Hole.

And now for this week. Next monday is the Amniocentesis. Whee.

My next reviewing project will be Mystery Science Theater 3000 Volume 6, which is a compaliation from one of the strangest shows ever to be shown on cable.

Way back in 1990, I was channel surfing and I had a WTF moment when I stopped on the Comedy Channel. They were showing a movie (I believe it was Robot Holocaust, I could be wrong) and at the bottom of the screen there was a silhouette of a guy and two robots who made sarcastic comments about the movie. It was pretty funny.

I eventually became addicted to the series, especially after they showed The Catalina Caper, a truly bad beach movie; and one of the robots (Tom Servo) sang a beautiful love song, "Creepy Girl". At that point I was hooked. I eventually took to videotaping the series so that my friends could see the series I incessently talked about. Of course those tapes have long disappeared. Too bad we didn't have TiVo back in the day.

The series eventually moved to the Sci-Fi channel and since we didn't get it I quit watching.

The show lasted 10 seasons and even spawned a movie. I have bought some of the movies, notably The Sky Divers and Manos, the Hands of Fate. I really need to track down some of my old favorites, like Godzilla VS Megalon (featuring "Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy!"), Wild Rebels ("I'm in it for the kicks, baby!"), The Pod People ("It stinks!"), among others.

The series spawned a few odd things, like one of the first memorable internet flame wars when co-creator and series regular Joel Hodgson left the show to be replaced by series writer Mike Nelson. In retrospect, like all flame wars, it was silly. For the record, I liked Joel better, but Mike did just fine when Joel left for greener pastures.

And now I'm getting a screener of 3 MST'd movies, including Teenagers from Outer Space, which is a real classic that features TORTURE!!! Oh, this will be fun!

Week 14

Wow. I'm in week 15 already. Dang.

I am going for the amniocentesis in 2 weeks. Should not be fun, unless you think having a big-assed needle shoved in your belly is fun. Then I have the next week off for Christmas vacation, which I'm going to spend resting.

As for my pregnancy, I have had bad athsma problems for the last couple of weeks. Usually it's pretty mild but it has built up lately into needing to suck on the Albuterol inhaler every 4 hours. I'd take more hits if I could but that's the dosage. Hell, I've even had to wake up and hit it. Not pleasant.

I had a checkup yesterday and I complained to the doctor. He gave me a prescription for Singulair, which has 'no known side-effects' but it hasn't been studied very well in pregnant women and is only to be prescribed if absolutely necessary. I was about to throw the stuff in the garbage can when I read that, but then I read about the risks for uncontrolled athsma: low birthweight, premature delivery, and possible blood pressure changes.

The upside is I took my first dose yesterday afternoon, and it's still working. I woke up and used the inhaler, then I only had to use it again at noon. That's a big improvement. I can also smell again. Someone should have told me my car smelled like ass.

My have I been slack. Here is an update on what has been going on:

Jon and I spent Thanksgiving at some friends' house. Jon played with their 6 year-old girl all day (which seemed to consist of beating the living crap out of her, which she loved). He then announced to me on the way home he would prefer a girl. Weeell, I have a 50% shot at giving him what he wants.

I was in Sonoma, California last week. The worst part about the trip was dealing with my athsma, of course. While I was actually at work it was no big deal but the travel itself sucked. The best part about the trip was finding a little chinese restaurant in a strip mall near my hotel. Oh, my gods I have *never* had Kung Pao Chicken that tasty! Oh, yeah. I drove over the Golden Gate bridge, too. La dee frickin da.

I actually bought a Christmas tree for the house. Well, a Christmas shrub. I decorated it, too. It looks kinda lonely so I'm going to have to buy more stupid Christmassy things for the house.

That's about it. Oh, yeah: I bought Spider-Man II on DVD. Did I ever mention how much I like this movie?

Week 13

Sorry for no updates. I'm in Sonoma this week; working. Not much new to report about the pregnancy except I'm officially in the 2nd trimester. Yay!

I fly back tomorrow. Haven't done a thing here except work and sleep. And eat.

Oh! 2 new reviews here and here.