A quick caveat for you folks: what I've written below is pretty personal. I wouldn't have posted it if I didn't want you to read it; I just apologize in advance if I make you feel uncomfortable.

Not a fun night last night; my husband and I had a long talk; he's upset and has been upset for a long time about the state of our marriage. I can't get all defensive and protest his feelings, because it's true: I tend to ignore him. He was pretty devastated and I felt awful that he was in such distress and it was my fault.

Jon is someone who feels things. He is emotional and is very passionate and enthusiastic about many things. He is quite outgoing and friendly. He is also quick to anger and he'll take it out on anyone available, which means he has many acquaintances and few close friends. Very few people are willing to tolerate that kind of treatment for very long. Me, I just tune it out.

As for me, I feel things, but I love to think more. If I fall in love with a particular activity, or story, or person, I love to analyze why. I get more enjoyment out of that examination than the object itself. But once things are analyzed I tend to move on to something else. Which leaves me here wondering if I didn't do that to my marriage. Oops.

So why did I fall in love with my husband and eventually agree to marry him?

When I met him, I was attracted to the things that I think attract everyone to him: he knows no strangers; he is funny and he has an infectious smile and laugh. He is also quite good looking which has made me wonder why he didn't find someone better looking than me. As I got to know him I found an intelligent man who quickly takes to new skills - he picked up skydiving videography at an astonishing pace and was making money hand over fist. He picked up flying a few years back and now has his commercial pilot's license. He knows both of our airplanes front to back and I am sure will be a certified Airframe and Power Plant mechanic soon. How can I not love and envy that lightning grasp of skills? He oozes ability while I putter along doing things here and there but not really applying myself.

When he decided he wanted to open a drop zone, many people (including me) were like "yeah, sure, whatever." I didn't think it would get off the ground. Four years and a lot of solved problems later, here we are still growing. And another thing I love about Jon is he really does put our customers first. He will do things I find questionable financially to make someone happy. But I can't argue that it doesn't work; that young kid J.J. I wrote about yesterday told me as we were walking back from the landing area how much he liked our drop zone. He said he felt welcome and comfortable there. You have no idea how much that means to me to hear that.

It's more than just Jon that sets our DZ's tone; but he is the touchstone. If I had tried to open a drop zone without him (which would never have happened) it wouldn't have been a 10th as successful. Everything Jon sets out to accomplish he does - I tend to be lazy and don't apply myself. Would I be working at a software job right now if I had never met him? Would I be an AFF instructor? Hell, would I still be skydiving? I doubt it.

And to get personal (but I hope not too personal), Jon is such an extrovert he helped me overcome a good deal of inhibitions. I have never had a lover like him. And I'm grateful he was so patient with me.

But now we're in a rut. I don't think it's all my fault; I detest being yelled at and I have done to him exactly what I do to everyone/everything that pisses me off; I ignore it. But that's stupid; he's my husband. I need to stop ignoring him and work on keeping our marriage intact.

My desire to do so begs the question: why? Our marriage has made us 10 times what we would have been without each other, that's the practical/material reason why. Everything, and I mean everything, we have built together will collapse and I would rather not see that. I'm proud of what we've accomplished together. And even though I don't show it or express it well, yes, I do love you, and yes, I am in love with you. I feel it the most when we're with a group of friends and you're making them laugh with one of your sound effects-laden stories. I feel it when you come up and hug me for no particular reason except you want a hug. I feel it when you ask me to help you think through a problem. There's a lot of other little things that are just too mushy or indecent to mention.

If you left it would leave a hole in my life too appalling to think about. You told me last night you were surprised at the depth of my passion in my writing; I hope I've now used it now to explain myself better.