An amazingly amusing bit of solipsism before my surgery


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Here's an annoying philosophical pause - one of the not very fun aspects of undergoing surgery for cancer is spending too much time under the influence of painkillers and contemplating the meaning of death.

I have always had a problem with faith in general - once I got past the age of 12 I have had a tough time just believing in things. I'm categorized as a 'soft' atheist - I have no freaking clue as to whether a god or gods exist but that's besides the point; I don't believe in God the all-father who will give me eternal life so long as I (insert religious belief here).

I think it's the eternal life thing - living forever on a different plane of existence - that gets to me - it just doesn't make sense. I think I prefer the idea of recycling - I mean reincarnation. I'd love to come back again and try something new.

And so anyway there I was stoned out of my gourd thinking about coming back and trying again, and I was wondering, since the universe is so vast and time is so very long, maybe reincarnation isn't as far-fetched as it sounds. What I mean is that a combination of factors would come together again so that somewhere something was born that would have my conciousness.

I'm not making myself very clear. I'm not talking about my soul or my memories, just something somewhere that would be aware like I'm aware now. Argh. It's hard to explain exactly what I mean.

Then I got to thinking even further (remember, I spent December pretty well smashed 27/4) about how just long forever is, and I was wondering if the universe keeps exploding and expanding, and exploding, and expanding, and wondering if it's the same every time. Does every time the universe explodes does the planet earth get formed and evolve human beings, and around the time they label 1964 some girl named Sandy gets born? Do things change every time (meaning some times I wouldn't be born at all as my ancestors make different choices) or do we constantly make the same choices (disco is inevitable - forever and ever, amen)?

Then I got to thinking even wierder - maybe it's the same every time around but every time it's different and I have someone else's conciousness, or point of view. Meaning at one time or another, I have been / will be everyone.

That totally gave me the heebie jeebies. I've been / will be Hitler? Not to mention every single Jew that got gassed. That got me to thinking about all the murder, mayhem, slavery, rapes, and robbery throughout the ages. And all the pain. And Ryan Seacrest! Holy crap. I guess I ought to be nicer to myself.