Apparently, there is a physiological reason for my mood swings and depression for the last 3 weeks (though I'm certain some of it was from circumstances): I'm pregnant.

My period was late by 4-5 days, which in itself is no big deal; I've had an odd menstural cycle my whole life. When I got off the pill about 2 years ago, however, I was fairly regular. But anyway, for some reason on Monday morning I started to obsess over it. It got to the point where I left work, went to Wal-mart to pick up a pregnancy test kit (a 3-pack; I was figuring I'd need them eventually in the future), got home, peed on the strip, and watched in numb shock as the 2nd line turned pink.

I burst out crying; my thinking ranged over a bunch of things and finally I got enough control to call Jon and tell him. He promised to come home as soon as he finished his errands; in the meantime I called my OB/GYN's office to make an appointment for them to test me. When Jon got home I did another pee test - positive again. We talked about it some but for the most part we were in a state of shock.

When I woke up in the morning I used the last test to make sure I hadn't been dreaming the whole thing. Yesterday afternoon I had my pee tested and blood drawn at the doc's office and they confirmed it. My blood is also being tested for HIV and a bunch of other fun diseases. I had a short talk w/a very busy OB/GYN nurse and was given a buttload of literature to peruse. She also calculated my preliminary due date, which is June 7th. I thought it was odd that she calculated in from the first day of my last period, which was somewhere between the 1st and 7th of September. Apparently that's standard practice. So while I am in the 5th week of my pregnancy, I conceived on either the 12th of September or the 21st. What? Was that TMI? Too bad.

What to Expect When Expecting is an informative book. I carefully read the first sections and skimmed the rest. I was prepared to give up beer; I'm bummed about the (raw) sushi and coffee. Today I'm going out at lunchtime to buy a folic acid supplement as well as stock up on Tylenol and Metamucil. I'll have to eventually modify my exercise routine but for the most part I can continue. Obviously I can't start any calorie restrictive diets. Matter of fact everything I read recommends eating 300 calories over maintenence (which puts me at about 2100 a day).

Of course, the big deal with me is skydiving. Will I give that up, and when? I think I'll give it up now.

When I was crying and thinking Monday, my strongest feelings were of that I really want this kid. I'm worried about problems that can arise since I'm so old (I'm buoyed by knowing Nancy isn't much younger than me and Anthony is quite healthy and normal). This thought might be irrational, but this feels like this is my only shot and I don't want to mess it up. Before, if something happened to me while skydiving, oh well oops. I could get messed up but a broken bone or two is survivable. Now I have to think about a pregnant me in a cast or two. Ugh, no thanks. Not to mention I could hurt or lose the baby.

Last night I had nightmares about miscarriages. Sheesh, isn't it a little early to start with this?

Oh, yeah; I called mom and dad, and Andrea and Edward. Both parents are delighted, as are my sibs. They all threaten to spoil him/her rotten. I'm glad both mom and dad remarried, that means more grandparents for the kid! Jon called his mom and she started crying. Jon's father is dead and she hasn't remarried.

So anyway, my blog will probably get kind of obsessive here in the next 9 months. I am relieved to know that my odd reactions to things lately have a reason; it makes it easier for me to handle. Okay, 'odd' is an understatement. As I told someone last night, I have been acting 'thermonuclear bugfuck crazy' lately.

And it's just beginning!