I Call Shenanigans

A few remarks: We're going to fight the ticket. I didn't want to but I really do get the idea the cop gave me the $130 citation out of spite.

I haven't been in this kind of emotional turmoil in a long time. Above all I detest feeling like an idiot and in many things lately I've been a royal dumbass. I also feel insecure and also feel like a bit of a doormat. Yes, I'm talking about more than the damn ticket. These feelings of course make me angry but I have no outlet for this anger.

This blog has become an outlet for me. Most of the time I babble about inane things because I've been happy. I have been very fortunate.

First off, I want to thank Nancy again from the bottom of my heart for sending me The 5 Love Languages. In a nutshell, many marital problems are caused by people not understanding what their significant other regards as expressing or getting love, and vice versa. And to put my marriage in a nutshell, Jon regards attention and quality time as love. I regard acts of service as love.

Plenty of people have made fun of me for the things I have done for him because I want him to be happy. For instance, I let him quit his engineering job to run the drop zone full time. When people call me his 'sugar mama' I eat it. Next person who does, and that includes my DH, will have his or her nose bitten off.

But that's neither here nor there. I know Jon appreciates the things I do for him; he just doesn't interpret it as love. No matter what I did, he just kept insisting I was being cold, and distant, and unfeeling. Oh, hell no I felt a lot. Mostly frustration and resentment, but that counts, right? When I have a problem I can't solve I ignore it. I started ignoring him more and more because nothing I did for him made him happy. Nice, wonderful downward spiral, there; don't you think? Simple to get off, too. Shit. If what he needs to feel love is attention, he'll get it.

Which brings me to the one thing that feels like an infected splinter in my hand: a woman at the drop zone has a thing for him and is paying him a lot of attention. I won't go into too much detail. I don't think anything sexual has happened between them, but I'll be goddamned before I believe nothing emotional hasn't happened. I'm not buying a 'just friends' scenario once I figured out just how often they IM, text message, email, and phone each other. I call shenanigans; I call bullshit.

What's the balance between forgiveness and wanting to turn people into Eric Cartman-style chili? If you go too far in one direction, people walk all over you. In the other direction - long jail sentences or even the chair. Since I have never actually killed and eaten one of my enemies, I don't think she has too much to worry about. But I don't see how I will ever tolerate her presence again, however, even if I quit taking personally what her heart is telling her to do.

So stick around folks! This weekend should be very interesting!