If it was Tuesday, it must have been reality TV night at the Maynard house. Looks like I'm stuck watching this season's "American Idol". Oh, well - it is fairly fascinating to hear all those ranges and styles of voices.

The real entertainment (if you want to call it that) came from a rerun of "Fear Factor" on the Game Show Network. Usually the stunts are fairly interesting and some of them look like fun - like getting into a car, making it jump over a train while spinning, and landing the furthest in a huge pile of cardboard boxes. Really! They did that last night!

But the eating contests. Who comes up with these? Do the producers ask their 6-year old kids to come up with the grossest things possible?

"Okay, dad! What you need to do is to like, make a milkshake out of maggots! Yeah! and then add MORE LIVE maggots into the ground up maggots! And they have to suck this mess out of a bowl, and blow the maggot milkshake into a cup with a big straw! And the big cup has to have LIVE FLIES in it!! And they have to fill the cup up with maggot milkshake to drown the flies, then they have to drink it ALL DOWN AGAIN FLIES AND ALL!"

I kid you not I saw four grown adults do that last night. The host of the show made references to some of the eating stunts on previous shows, which prompted me to tell my husband: "I'd rather eat a million bull testicles before I ate one cockroach."

How many times do you get to say *that* in a conversation?

Allrighty then! I'm feeling better today - best I've felt in a while. Harry Dean Stanton didn't spend much time in my head last night before I fell asleep, and I slept pretty good! My subconcious I think was riffing on the 80's B-actor thing and I had a dream featuring Peter Berg, Peter Weller, and Jodie Foster. Where the hell was Christian Slater in all this?

Emilio Esteves could have shown up and started dancing, so I should consider myself lucky.

As you can see by the counter, the baby is due in 120 days. I made the observation that that's one repack cycle (a reserve parachute has to be inspected and repacked every 120 days). That is *not* that long!

During that initial appointment, the LPN was reviewing a rather lengthy questionnaire I had to fill out before hand. I was trying to explain to her my train of thought when things got bad, and I realized I was describing it as 2 people having an argument.

And that's exactly it - it's not me having an imaginary argument with Jon, (had those too but these are way different). I described it yesterday here as being hectored, but not to the LPN. I tried to explain to her that I knew my mind was using the 2 people having an argument as a convenient tool for trying to work conundrums out. Most of the time it works, but in this case the arguments would leave me yelling "will you shut the fuck up?" out loud.

So I convinced her that I knew damn well that *I* was the source of both voices, and that no one was planting thoughts in my head. But still, I tried to attach a face to the voice on the drive back to work. For some reason I flashed on Henry Rollins during his Black Flag heyday, but that's wrong. This voice is more petulant, maybe Gary Oldman's version of Sid Vicious, but that's not right either. Too incoherent. R.Lee Ermey? Too loud. In the end, I had this image of Harry Dean Stanton, in a rumpled old overcoat, just sitting there on a stool in a seedy bar, smoking cigarrettes, and implacably reciting points out of a notebook until I couldn't stand it.

Great. I'm being haunted by Harry Dean Stanton. Then I flashed on Red Dawn where he's yelling "Avenge me, boys, AVENGE ME!!!" and I nearly ran my car on a sidewalk while I was giggling.

Most amusing quote I've read on a blog in a while:

"I would expect you to kill me, mom. You don't take chances with the undead. Duh."

If my son ever says this to me, I'll be so proud! *Sniff!*. Uh, please follow the link so you can put the quote in context.

A close runner-up is from Helly's blog:

"I'm smarter, I'm more malicious, I'm more evil and more to the point, I have a far better stereo system and lots of bagpipe CDs."

My initial appointment was a relief; I talked to an LPN who works for the psychiatrist I will be seeing. This first meeting was essentially a screening to see what could be done for me.

The LPN was very sympathetic and asked a lot of useful questions. She could empathize with some of what I'm going through, too; because she has 2 children of her own. I'm glad I chose a woman doctor - nothing against men I just think I may have held back.

She had the psychiatrist (also a woman, who I will be seeing in a few weeks) review her notes, and I am now on Zoloft. Normally I would resist medicating this problem, but I need something for control NOW while we work out our problems. Jon is going to go with me to see the LPN next week.

I forgot to mention: I have the greatest cat in the world. Well, it's Jon's cat. I fell asleep on the couch Saturday morning - totally exhausted from everything. I woke up a bit and felt Big Fat Kitty lying next to me all stretched out next to my upper body. I put an arm around him and hugged him gently and he didn't protest. We fell back asleep that way. If it wasn't for his issues with toilet paper he'd be perfect and I could clone him and sell copies of him for a tidy profit.

Week 22

There's someone in my head, but it's not me.

The weeks seem to be flying by. This is a good thing, of course. I wish the baby's movements were strong enough so that Jon could feel them.

The weekend was not good. I have no desire to go into details; let me just say I have given up trying to handle it by myself and am going to see a psychiatrist. Besides uncontrollable crying, I'm doing things that I simply can't imagine myself ever doing - even while doing them part of me keeps saying "what the hell is wrong with you?"

It really does feel like some stranger is stomping around in my mind, sifting through everything, and once in a while coming up with something that is complete horseshit, and declaring, "Aha! Here's something to get mad about!" and then proceeds to sit down and hector me (what is the etymology of that phrase?) for hours on end and tries to force me to do things to vindicate his ire. Hoo-boy does that sound a leetle bit nuts. I have a lot more empathy with mentally unstable people now. Not only is loss of control frightening, it is shameful and humiliating. And the collateral damage (my frickin' marriage!) is unacceptable. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist at 1. If the doc is as cool as the receptionist, I think I'll be okay.

And now for something completely different: my favorite ad during the superbowl was of course the Bud Light one where a jumpmaster throws a six-pack out the door to entice a reluctant skydiver and the pilot jumps out to chase it. *Heh.* Usually when I'm trying to get someone out the door I have a hold of him in the first place and if they're reluctant I wait for an off-balance moment then *oopsie!* I push and out we go.

I don't have much to post today, so I'll put up a few links and leave it at that:

This woman is a blogger after my own heart: she has started posting critiques of disaster movies, which currently include treatises on The Towering Inferno and Earthquake. Marjoe Gortner gives me the creeps, too.

Here is my latest review: Head in the Clouds. I'm saddled with another chick movie to review next.

Oh, in celebration of Alissa Rosenbaum's 100th birthday (which was yesterday), I will make a quasi-political post:

Yay, Iraqis! We can't get that kind of voter turnout here, and no one is threatening to blow our butts off. As you work on your constitution, keep one thing in mind: despite some gritching (would letting a Christian group meet on campus after school hours really violate this idea?), separation of Church and State is a damn fine idea. If you don't believe me, ask your neighbors, the Iranians. Or even the Saudis. Or the Afghanis.

Sandy and Nancy

SandN
Originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

Not a vacation pic, but I found it while poking around. This was during my 40th birthday celebration. Jon arranged to have Nancy, Mark, Anthony, and Alan drop by. Best birthday ever!

Leo

Leo
Originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

I'm so happy I found this photo. This is the little fella who lived at the villa. He was very sweet and happily volunteered every night to eat any leftover meat from dinner. The cat, not the thigh.

J & S in StThomas

JSStthomas
Originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

Holy Crap! I'm smiling!!! No, look, look close! This pic is in Charlotte Amalie, in St. Thomas. A *great* place to go if your a shopping freak. Which I'm not.

Shut Up

Shut Up
Originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

Quiet Mon Pub. A nifty place for a cold Guinness. They also have internet connections.

Steve and Sylvia

Steve and Sylvia
Originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

Friends of John who shared the villa for a week with us. They're the ones who are waving, not the guy with his back turned.

Cruz Bay from way off

Cruz Bay from way off
Originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

A hill overlooking Cruz Bay, which is the main town/harbor on St. John. Someday I will learn to take good pictures.

Caravel Rock

Caravel Rock
Originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

I wish this photo was brighter. This rock is a great dive spot as long as the tides aren't strong. The dive master said it got it's name because it resembles a caravel. Yeah, maybe after many rum punches. Yo ho ho.

St. John Dock

St. John Dock
Originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

This dock has changed since this photo. It has been marred by chain link fences as security measures. What a waste - any yahoo with a dinghy can circumvent the security measures on St. John. Why do you think these islands were such pirate havens? Lots and lots of little inlets to sneak around in.

Caneel Bay

Caneel Bay
Originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

Deck of Villa

Deck of Villa
Originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

Here's another view of the deck from inside the villa.

From the Deck

From Deck2
Originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

Here is a composite of the view from the deck of our villa. Other than the power lines, it was a nice view.

Inside the Villa

Inside the Villa
Originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

This is the interior of Moonsong villa. It's fairly small, but decent for 2 people.

Honey & I

Honey & I
Originally uploaded by Sandra Maynard.

Here are Jon and I on St.John in October, 2003. Despite the look on my face I love it there.